nightmare that scares me to death

what is the meaning of being dead in a dream? anyone? last night (or maybe this morning) suddenly i dreamt that i've died due to accident which was i didnt what accident it was. i was even confused with the time at that time. i met my singaporean friends, i met my family in a strange place and then i went to my grandparents' house which is like in indo. it was damn strange and all. i died but my soul had not. my soul could still go anywhere and met people but only some of them could see me. all the adults in my family could but not the young generations. 3 of my singaporean friends could see me but not the others. no other people could see me.  i was complaining rather whining to my mom on how come i died first and that it's only for several days that they could see me just like tradition and my mom was telling me something that i shouldnt be sad.  i knew that it was a dream but i just couldnt open myself not until my mom finish this sentence "dont be sad and everything is gonna be ok." and i woke up in shock. omg. i think i'm always emoing lately and it results in that dream. but i must admit that I'm scared.  I still dont want to die at this moment tho i know that no one will know when his/her time will approach him/her...

16 years old..

one year older...

wishes list :

more mature

no more farewell in my life

will find the best one for me

a lot.. a whole bunch of wishes.

anw, thanks to aurel, prisca, zefa, gisela for the surprise party

i really didnt know tht during my tuition.. u came to my rm prepare everything..

dont know how you would do it if i canceled my tuition today. LOL XD

anw, i rly had fun today.

the whiteboard, the cd of songs that is rly precious and only one in the world, the songs that u chose, the cakes, the window, the flower, the cards, the headphone...

i'll keep it forever..

the party..

i'll keep it forever also in my mind

thanks for making me crying..

love u guys..

huong and tram anh. thanks for the glass and cup.. 

they are really really cute..

super cute heh..

wonder where did u find them.. omg..

anw, thanks guys for making this 16th bday rly memorable :)

Dang. It's 2 more weeks before my end of year assessments start. Some of my teachers always say to my class, "girls, you are really behind time you know." It just makes me more nervous instead of building up my fighting spirit. It makes me cannot concentrate. I always feel like I need t o finish study fast but in the end nothing comes into my mind when I keep thinking that I havent learnt enough. It really annoys me a lot. Will the word "failure" follow me along during my eyas as well. Please say no. I need someone to reassure me. I need someone to comfort me when I'm nervous and stressing out. I know that's childish but I dont know what else I can do other than hoping for comfort but then again, a lot of people dont give that. They all just the same. Giving the same pressure that they think it may comfort me and hel to support me. "Come on you need to work harder." I know. That's a freakin' fact that I dont need to be told anymore. I work damn harder than last year but why is my result still worse than last year? can you please give a freakin answer instead of those 'supportive' words. From code blue : in the end it's the results that count. For a doctor, if the patient is safe, they will say, "you are a good doctor, you are courageous. Great job." but when the patient dies, they will take you as a 'murderer' who cannot safe the patient's life. same here, when you get good grade everyone will act different to you. "Wah you are so smart. Your parent is so lucky." When you get not so good grade, they will say "Why cant you do that? It's so simple. I pity your parents." No matter how hard you work, but the result is the only thing that counts not how much effort you put in. It is a sad fact but it's real. And now those people who never see my work here and only see the result always blame me. "I know why you cant get good grades." you dont know. dont pretend that you guys know. "Coz you always watch vids." "Coz, you zre not as smart as me." Yeah right, whatever. I watch vids. Yeah that's true when I'm depressed. And I'm only depressed because of certain things. Do you know what it is? Yeah I know you are smarter than me. Thanks for your support Everything in the world is only about the result and not about the effort. Is that right? Anw, at the end still here I am. Stuck here at least until 30 more days. Worrying about my eyas, about what people will think about me later after I get back my results, about what future is, about the sadistic word 'scholarship' *sadistic for me --> it really kills my mind and my feeling* I dont know anymore. I want to not care but I cant. Aaaarrgghh.. I dont care anymore

though in the end i still need to care about all those

Hanya Satu - Mocca

Hanya satu pintaku Tuk memandang langit biru Dalam dekap seorang ibu Hanya satu pintaku Tuk bercanda dan tertawa Di pangkuan seorang ayah Apabila ini Hanya sebuah mimpi Ku selalu berharap dan tak pernah terbangun Hanya satu pintaku Tuk memandang langit biru Di pangkuan ayah dan ibu Apabila ini Hanya sebuah mimpi Ku selalu berharap dan tak pernah terbangun Hanya satu pintaku Tuk memandang langit biru Dalam dekap ayah dan ibu

Dont know but it's just my feeling

Idk but lately I become such a crybaby..

Being alone is not that nice anymore.. Last time i enjoyed my life being alone but not anymore..

Evrytime I'm alone, I have nothing to do, I will just feel sad lately that's why I'm emoing more often.

I think it's the aftermath of being with my family for 2 weeks overseas. It's not because of the fact that I'm with my family for that 2 weeks but going together for such a long time with the whole family (minus my bro sadly ): ) is what I miss the most now.

I've been going back 6 times eversince I came to SG in Nov 2008 and last December I was with my family for almost 2 months but this last june I became more attached to my family and I feel so sad to be separated once again. It is still around 130 days before I'll go back to my real home again.

One of my friends is rumored to go back to her original life, the usual life in Indonesia. I know that many people dont want to go back to Indo after studying abroad. But For now, I dont know, I wanna go back also. I feel like studying in Indonesia will be better for me again. Coming back to my previous condition of life. But then who knows that maybe after leaving this place and comeback to Indonesia, I might hurt some people feeling especially my family. I wont do that for sure, I'll never let myself hurt them.

This nightmare sometimes haunt me in my sleep. A few days ago, I dreamt that I'm back in Indonesia. For holiday only *yeah even in my dream, I'm only at my home during holiday* and my parents have to leave somewhere else because something happens. I dont know what happened. Anyway, they wont let me go together instead I went back to Sing *sigh*.

Anyway, because of that, I become more afraid of living here. I'm afraid that if something happen in Indonesia *whether with my family or friends, whether it is a good thing or bad thing*. I'm afraid that when something happened, I wont be in Indo. I dont want. I want to be with my family all the time. *hhh.. feeling like such a mommy daughter and such a spoilt kid*

I dont know it's just my feeling.

My current feeling : Gooooooo Baaaaaaaack

11th November please come sooner than 133 days...

I wanna Go back RIGHT NOW AT THIS POINT OF TIME

yeah i'm here in this place still.

Though I've been here for 1.5 year until now, I still feel that it's not the right place for me. I havent felt attached to this place. I dont belong here.

Eversince I landed on the 25th, I cried so many times already. When I got phone call from my family, I cried. When I saw my suitcase, I cried, I wanna go back home again. When I saw the pictures on my facebook, I cried. When I'm alone, I cry. Even when I wake up in the morning, I cry. Yeah I know I'm such a crybaby. I dont even have the will to take out all my luggage from Indo. I just dont want to feel that I'll be here for a long time eventhough that's the truth for sure.

My wish for now is just. I want to go back home like now. today. this minute. this second. Last time I said that I couldnt wait until 17 July when all my mid year exams will end but now I cant wait until 12 November. The first night to sleep in my room again and stay in where I belong to for 2.5 months. That months sound so long for others. They always say "wah so lucky. Study there and got holiday so long."

What so long? It's for you. For me, it's not. It's just another holiday with the 'pressure' of waiting for the departure date one more time.

Now I only have one loyal friend who always with me all the time. But I dont want this friend. I hate this friend. My only friend for now is just my loneliness. I feel lonely all the time eventhough there are so many people around me. I put a smile on my face but my heart is crying out loud. There are so many people out there but yet I still feel so lonely. It's getting more and more annoying and I hate the feeling of loneliness.

I think I cant wait until I'm in JC. By then, I wont waste all my holidays. I want to go back everytime I get at least 4/5 days of holidays. It's my wish. Though I dont know whether I can still have strength to finish this sec4 year which is only left with 4 more months. It seems like eternity.

Ma, Pa, Ko.... I miss them all seriously.

Annoying Annoyance Annoyed Me

I'm annoyed of people who annoy me or those whose lives are just annoying but I myself am annoying person I guess.

They say that it's their lives. They cannot change it coz it's their true selves but I also cannot change myself to accept everything they do. Why could they accept each other while I cant? Am I that selfish?

sometimes i hate myself for being too selfish to think that i'm the only one who is not annoying at least for myself. i know it proves that i'm such a selfish jerk and i wanna change it. But how can i change if u dont even give such a freaking chance to me or at least lemme know how to change it to suit u. I'm getting sick of all of this.

Last time I know I was damn annoying and I still had friends though the number of my friends is getting lesser and lesser after distance separates us. I know why it happened and I tried to change. And there are still some people who are annoyed by me. Help me change even more please people. Though it maybe hard but at least I know that all of you are still there for me.

I hate the feeling that someday I will be all alone.

Bad vs Good... BAD WINS

Everything has its own good and bad side, right?

Fire - good: warm, etc - bad : make things on fire which is dangerous

water - good: life - bad: flood

people - good: friend - bad: enemy

lastly

INTERNET - good: connect people - bad: separate people

Seems to contradict each other right? But that's the problem and it stress me up.

Once misunderstanding occurs, every connection that we have built for such a long time will be just blown by the wind and by the web. Every single effort that we have done to build up those relationships with people will just go to waste. It's not that I'm complaining though it's true that I'm stressed up because of this.

It's fun to be connected through social networking but it's just not fun when we get another enemy through that f**king site as well. Cant hide my feeling that I'm sorry to make other angry especially if that one person is someone who is close to me through this damn hi tech tool. Cant hide my annoyance. Everything I do on the web, everyone will be able to wee and words will go around about me, my friends or our lives.

Now I'm starting to slowly hate these kind of way of communication...

Sometimes when technology is getting too high, it's getting more and more annoying.

Past, Current, future 2

Past is a history

Current is a gift

Future is a mystery

Why should we stick to our past if we can move on to enjoy our gift and reveal the next mystery in life?

It has been impossible to change the history but it is still possible for us to use the gift in a different way. Which lead into different mysteries that we will meet.

That's it.

Something that cannot be changed won't change no matter what.

Then why should we care about it anymore?

Blaming someone because of the past that he already left behind far far far away is unfair for him. Esp when he has changed or if he himself doesnt even know about the problem in the past....

Take the past to judge people in the current time is also wrong... Please dont judge people just looking at the past either his or other's past...

Hatred.. Why are you still here?!?!?

Why are there so many hatred in this world?

Cant we stay calm without blaming, envying and hating each other?

Actually, why is there such thing called 'hatred' in the first place?

Why should we say "I HATE YOU"?

Please, something called 'hatred', please go away from people's hearts, can't you?

People always use hatred to express a temporary anger but sometimes it will last even longer that we expect. No one wants to be hated *including me* but many people keep saying 'I hate you' *including me sometimes unfortunately :[ *

I want to use "I hate you" just for the last time here. *Hoping it will happen seriously that it will be my last time using that sentence*

I HATE YOU 'HATRED'...

PLEASE GO AWAY FROM PEOPLE'S HEARTS AND MINDS...

Mistakes, why you do exist in this world?

I dont know why you are there

I dont why you exist

I dont know why you cant be forgotten

I dont know why you cant be avoided

The thing the I dont understand the most is why you cause many problems.

You take away many people's dreams

You take away many people's happiness

You break many relationships

You break a perfect friendship apart

You break many people's hearts

You even burry many people's hope deep inside to their hearts until they cannot even dig it up again.

Why do you always come in people's lives and ruin everything?

Intro after a long time never post :)

It has been quite long since my last post. The gloomy mood that I have recently lead me to write some posts but it's kind of random and a bit weird :| Sorry for strange entries after this coz somehow it is influenced by my gloominess as well as my fangirling mode....