A level, post high school worries, rants

Okay so lately I've been busy studying (supposedly).
With A level coming in less than 20 days, it's quite strange I don't feel scared. It's not normal. Everyone is anxious about the biggest exam that we are going to take soon.
I don't know whether I'm just trying to fool myself or the anxious feeling has really died.
I can't even focus. I just want it to just be over. 7 more weeks and I'll be home. It feels like forever though. I can't wait to get my hands on my room. These few days instead of thinking about my studies, I keep thinking about how to change my room. Like totally change it. I don't like it the way it is now. It's totally not me.

Anw, set that aside. I'm supposed to be worried about other stuff. Not my time to think about having fun yet. Uni application and admission essay submissions are still waiting for me. A level is gonna kill me. My mom also asks me to think about what I'm gonna do during my 8 months holiday. I seriously don't know about the last one.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do during those period. One thing for sure, I don't want to spend it in Singapore. Even though its good to still be able to meet my friends here, but I'm definitely not going to stay here for that 6 months. Internship, yes i may want to apply but not here. I don't want to stay here just in case I'm not going to USA for uni. I don't want to get stuck here the whole next year. I don't mind if at the end I have to enroll to sing uni that's why I want to spend my only possible long term holiday period outside Singapore. I feel like doing voluntary works in Indonesia. But no one allows me to do so. First reason is that I should stay in Singapore to keep practicing my English. But the thing is many Singapore, uk, us and overseas organization also conduct projects in Indonesia and then why am I, a pure Indonesian, not able to do so and instead helping people from other countries first. If they want me to help in Singapore, it's not gonna be good for me. I won't feel that sincere and happy in doing so. I'll just do it for the sake of doing it as people ask me to do so. Second reason is the safety reason. With the classic "you are a girl" reasoning. That they think its not safe for me to travel to some ulu place in indo or anywhere else to do these kinds of thing. I don't see the logic behind it. I mean yes I am a girl, but joining an organization means that there are many other people going together with me. I am not gonna be alone. Furthermore organizations like those do not only recruit teenagers or young adults. They have adult members too. Most of the time there are so many adults. So I'm totally not alone.

They choose internship as the best choice for my life. But in the end I'll be going to work also. Volunteer works, I may not even allowed to have time to think about it anymore when I reach my adulthood.

Sigh lately I've been over think every single thing that happens. Maybe it's just my excuse to escape the whole a level thingy. I don't even know what is the biggest problem to me now. It seems like everything is going towards the wrong direction and I can't seem to be able to get them back on track and just follow my heart. I keep crying without any logical reasons.
Going crazy and I don't know what to do now.

Chinese New Year 2012

This chinese new year is my second time going back to indonesia to celebrate after i started studying in singapore.

It was probably the most awesome time for me. I got to see most of my relatives getting together, had an awesome reunion dinner, etc. I enjoyed myself until last night when i realised that i still need to go back to reality that i still need to go back to sg and meet evryone's expectations on me..

It is very sad that some people out there just have nothing better to do but keep blaming others and comparing others with themselves. Im not them and they are not me. I dont are about what people say but it makes me hard to take my own decision to do things my own way when people keep thinking that whatever i do is always wrong and i cant choose right thing and i always need others to do stuff and choose what my future is supposed to be.. Whether its my education, my job, my future life has been planned so that those people wont ever talk bad about me and hence my family wont get embarassed.

Part of it, i dont know whether i still have choice on where i could cpntinue my study or not..

Indonesia (like some good uni like ui, uph, etc) - "why did u even waste time and money in singapore so far?"

Japan - simply no from my parents

Us - " please realiZe that your parents have no money and your grade may not even meet the admission condition"

Uk - too far

"where should i go then" the simple answer is "singapore"

And whenever I say something or do something, sone people always interpret it the way they want it to be and then there is only one person to blame. Me.

But at least im still grateful that i can still talk to my brother, my parents and other people who are nice enough to talk to. Maybe im hust destined to stay in singapore forever...

JC 1 has just ended

It has been awhile since I posted a positive post. Now I think is the time for me to think positively again haha

School this year has been very tiring. Time flies very fast. Without realising it, my JC1 year will end in like 2 days time. What a shocking fact. It feels like I just started my JC year yesterday and suddenly I will be a JC2 senior in awhile.

Reflecting on this year, I feel that I did not do too bad but I didnt give out my best as well. Something feels wrong and I feel like this year could have been better. Academic matters, to say it frankly, Im quite satisfied with it. My grades are not that fantastic but I feel quite satisfied with it. At least I could improve it from my secondary years. Although I still feel abit sad when comparing results with my classmates or my other batchmates as I just cant do as well as them. But I try not to feel depressed because of it. Just be happy and work harder. Hopefully next year I would be able to improve myself even more and surpass everyone's expectations on me :)

Family matters, still the same. Not that good but not bad either. Basically Im getting closer with my brother from time to time. With my parents, some arguments here and there. But I just realised that I have this tendency to argue, argue and argue everytime I talk through the phone as compared to when Im at home and I see them face to face. Everytime the phone call ends with an argument, I wish I could be at home when everything could be discussed easily and where less misunderstanding will happen.

And now, Im here in my new room, counting the days to my departure day to Indonesia. 4 more days and I'll be in my own room. How awesome is that. And anyway, my new room is super awesome and cozy. New roommates, new settings, new aircon, etc.

with new roommates :D

my new bed and desk :D

JC Life. It Is Not That Bad But A Bit Worse Sometimes

okay so

long time never update this blog and my life from bad has gotten worse.

jc life is actually not that bad on the surface and it would be a lie if i say im not enjoying it.

okay so basically i've got to enjoy my life now compared to a few months ago. and im happy. teehee. :D

but i start to feel distant from my family. even worse, i feel distant to my mom the most. She used to be my closest family member second to my brother.

Okay basically i've been arguing with her since a few weeks ago and it is not very good considering that she wont trust me anymore. okay heck the whole story is super long and due to my POOOOR ENGLISH LANGUAGE yes, i remember it clearly as everyday it is what i need to hear. I cannot write it properly. just leave it alone.

Now back to school. PIDABELYU is getting annoying. I suck at my work. let alone doing project work. my individual components are screwed. The only time I got quite good comments from the teacher was when we are submitting our written report draft. It is because the whole thing that I've submitted to my friend has been edited by my group mates.

Yeah I suck at my work. Haha as expected from me.

And freak. I cannot even control my temper this days. i keep being short tempered. I almost shouted at someone who didnt even do anything wrong at all.

why is me so sucky? cannot do work properly, keep arguing with people and now become short tempered.

hopefully as time flies, i'll be a better person

on a side note : i really do miss my brother. i want to talk to him just about everything. i really miss him.

why so tiring

tiring days..

i'm tired..

not enough time ..

Actually no.. There is enough time to do everything as long as I keep sitting down and do everything the whole day..

Why dont I have the ability to do everything in one time, with a great quality, in a high speed? it will make my life much much much MUCH easier.

schedule :

1. Monday - 9.30 - 4.10 school, 7.45-9.45 prep

2. Tuesday - 7.30-4.10 school, 4.40-6.00 photog, 7.45-9.45 prep

3. wednesday - 7.30-2.30 school + CCA, 7.45-9.45 prep

4. Thursday - 7.30-3.20 school, 4.00-6.00 tuition, 7.45-9.45 prep

5. Friday - 7.30-12.30 school, 1.00-2.30 tuition

6. Saturday - 9-11 GP remed

the rest of the weekend : mugging time

It is not as tight as my friends' schedule. That's why it is super annoying. It feels like as if I got a lot of free time but I dont and worse, I struggle to manage my time well. Maybe I slack too much but heck, prep time 2 hours not efficient for me. Most of the time I dont talk a lot during prep but for that 2 hours, max I can do only 2 things.

Today, I only did 11 math questions with math being my strongest subject. What the heck. Horrible speed I might say.

Weekends : Heck no more life for me during weekends anymore and yet I still screwed my subjects. I spend most of the time studying Bio and yet my lecture test still failed. Mostly I did econs and bio but econs quite okay for now. Bio heck what the hell my grade and my understanding on bio suck now. Chem as well. Even math. Math I got 80-75-65. Great. It keeps falling and falling. Chem I dont even understand a thing. Fuck it. I even dreamt and thought on doing Chemical engineering or Biochem but yet my Chem and Bio like that. Screwed.

My brain sucks. I'm jealous with some people who are just academically talented. They can just do whatever they want and yet their grades still fly high.

why some people are so talented in many ways whereas some are just not talented in many ways?

1 is talented in academic so much. With talent in art and music as well as language. Go improve her talent in music till late still can have super high grade. when can she study? hey someone, can you share your brain and talents with me? I desperately need it.

whereas 1 just not academically talented (just forget about music and art, language, etc) and need to spend so much time on it and yet the results are not good. And in the end learn nothing.

What the shit with this life?

Screw my academic results. Screw My body. Screw my health. Sleep late without learning anything efficiently. Eat uncontrollably. At this rate, seeing the rate of damage done to my body, my body is going to break soon. Die faster. maybe it may become more peaceful. Not tiring anymore.

nightmare that scares me to death

what is the meaning of being dead in a dream? anyone? last night (or maybe this morning) suddenly i dreamt that i've died due to accident which was i didnt what accident it was. i was even confused with the time at that time. i met my singaporean friends, i met my family in a strange place and then i went to my grandparents' house which is like in indo. it was damn strange and all. i died but my soul had not. my soul could still go anywhere and met people but only some of them could see me. all the adults in my family could but not the young generations. 3 of my singaporean friends could see me but not the others. no other people could see me.  i was complaining rather whining to my mom on how come i died first and that it's only for several days that they could see me just like tradition and my mom was telling me something that i shouldnt be sad.  i knew that it was a dream but i just couldnt open myself not until my mom finish this sentence "dont be sad and everything is gonna be ok." and i woke up in shock. omg. i think i'm always emoing lately and it results in that dream. but i must admit that I'm scared.  I still dont want to die at this moment tho i know that no one will know when his/her time will approach him/her...

16 years old..

one year older...

wishes list :

more mature

no more farewell in my life

will find the best one for me

a lot.. a whole bunch of wishes.

anw, thanks to aurel, prisca, zefa, gisela for the surprise party

i really didnt know tht during my tuition.. u came to my rm prepare everything..

dont know how you would do it if i canceled my tuition today. LOL XD

anw, i rly had fun today.

the whiteboard, the cd of songs that is rly precious and only one in the world, the songs that u chose, the cakes, the window, the flower, the cards, the headphone...

i'll keep it forever..

the party..

i'll keep it forever also in my mind

thanks for making me crying..

love u guys..

huong and tram anh. thanks for the glass and cup.. 

they are really really cute..

super cute heh..

wonder where did u find them.. omg..

anw, thanks guys for making this 16th bday rly memorable :)