Okay so lately I've been busy studying (supposedly).
With A level coming in less than 20 days, it's quite strange I don't feel scared. It's not normal. Everyone is anxious about the biggest exam that we are going to take soon.
I don't know whether I'm just trying to fool myself or the anxious feeling has really died.
I can't even focus. I just want it to just be over. 7 more weeks and I'll be home. It feels like forever though. I can't wait to get my hands on my room. These few days instead of thinking about my studies, I keep thinking about how to change my room. Like totally change it. I don't like it the way it is now. It's totally not me.
Anw, set that aside. I'm supposed to be worried about other stuff. Not my time to think about having fun yet. Uni application and admission essay submissions are still waiting for me. A level is gonna kill me. My mom also asks me to think about what I'm gonna do during my 8 months holiday. I seriously don't know about the last one.
I have no idea what I'm gonna do during those period. One thing for sure, I don't want to spend it in Singapore. Even though its good to still be able to meet my friends here, but I'm definitely not going to stay here for that 6 months. Internship, yes i may want to apply but not here. I don't want to stay here just in case I'm not going to USA for uni. I don't want to get stuck here the whole next year. I don't mind if at the end I have to enroll to sing uni that's why I want to spend my only possible long term holiday period outside Singapore. I feel like doing voluntary works in Indonesia. But no one allows me to do so. First reason is that I should stay in Singapore to keep practicing my English. But the thing is many Singapore, uk, us and overseas organization also conduct projects in Indonesia and then why am I, a pure Indonesian, not able to do so and instead helping people from other countries first. If they want me to help in Singapore, it's not gonna be good for me. I won't feel that sincere and happy in doing so. I'll just do it for the sake of doing it as people ask me to do so. Second reason is the safety reason. With the classic "you are a girl" reasoning. That they think its not safe for me to travel to some ulu place in indo or anywhere else to do these kinds of thing. I don't see the logic behind it. I mean yes I am a girl, but joining an organization means that there are many other people going together with me. I am not gonna be alone. Furthermore organizations like those do not only recruit teenagers or young adults. They have adult members too. Most of the time there are so many adults. So I'm totally not alone.
They choose internship as the best choice for my life. But in the end I'll be going to work also. Volunteer works, I may not even allowed to have time to think about it anymore when I reach my adulthood.
Sigh lately I've been over think every single thing that happens. Maybe it's just my excuse to escape the whole a level thingy. I don't even know what is the biggest problem to me now. It seems like everything is going towards the wrong direction and I can't seem to be able to get them back on track and just follow my heart. I keep crying without any logical reasons.
Going crazy and I don't know what to do now.
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